This is one of the harder conversations to have, and one of the easiest to get wrong. Your mum mentions someone she's been chatting to. Your dad seems happier than he has in a while, and a bit cagey about why. It might be nothing. But romance scams are one of the fastest-growing frauds in the UK, and nearly a third of people targeted are over 65 — often people who are widowed, divorced, or simply lonely, and genuinely open to meeting someone new.
The reason this scam works so well isn't gullibility. It's that it doesn't feel like a scam. It feels like being cared about, sometimes for the first time in a long while.
How it usually starts
A profile appears on a dating site, or a message arrives out of the blue on Facebook or WhatsApp — often someone attractive, sometimes claiming to be a widow or widower, frequently said to be working abroad (a common cover story is being on an oil rig, in the military, or on a foreign business trip, which conveniently explains why a video call or meeting in person "isn't possible right now"). The relationship builds slowly, over weeks or months, with daily messages, real warmth, and a level of attention that feels flattering and genuine.
Then, eventually, comes a reason for money: a medical emergency, a stuck shipment of goods, a visa problem, travel costs to finally meet in person. It's rarely a huge sum the first time. It's often "just this once," followed by another reason, and another.
The signs worth noticing
They've never video-called or met in person, despite months of contact — always a reason it isn't possible right now.
The relationship moved fast emotionally. Declarations of love, talk of a future together, within weeks of first contact.
Money comes up, however small or reasonable it's framed. A genuine new relationship essentially never involves sending money before you've met.
They ask to move off the dating site or app quickly, onto WhatsApp, email, or text, where there's less oversight.
Your parent seems secretive or defensive about the relationship, or reluctant to introduce the person to family — sometimes because the scammer has actively encouraged keeping it private "because family wouldn't understand."
Why raising it gently matters more than usual
Most scams, once explained, come with relief — "thank goodness I checked before I clicked." Romance scams are different. What's really been lost isn't just money; it's the relationship itself, and often real feelings that were genuine even if the other side wasn't. Coming in with "that's obviously a scam, how could you not see it" tends to produce denial and secrecy, not gratitude — and can push someone to keep going, and keep it hidden, rather than stop.
A gentler approach tends to work better:
Ask questions rather than making accusations. "Have you two ever video-called?" opens a conversation. "This is clearly fake" tends to close one down.
Focus on the money, not the relationship. It's easier to hear "I'm worried about the money side of this" than "I think you've been fooled."
Share information rather than judgement. Mentioning that this is a known, common pattern — not a reflection on them — makes it easier to hear.
Expect it to take more than one conversation. Scammers spend months building trust; unpicking that rarely happens in a single chat.
If money has already been sent
Contact the bank as soon as possible — banks have processes for suspected romance fraud and can sometimes stop further payments even if past ones can't be recovered. Report it to Action Fraud (0300 123 2040); reporting doesn't just help your own situation, it helps build the picture that gets other scammers' accounts shut down. And try to avoid a tone of blame — victims of romance scams are frequently intelligent, careful people in every other part of their life. This scam is built specifically to bypass the defences a "would you fall for a text scam?" test would catch.
Why non-judgement matters here more than anywhere else
This is exactly the kind of situation where someone might not want to ask a family member for help at all — not because they don't trust them, but because of how it feels to say it out loud. That's the gap Ivy is built for: a patient, private, non-judgemental way to talk through a worry — "is this relationship real?", "should I send this?" — without it needing to become a family conversation before your parent is ready for one.
If this sounds like something your parent could use, Ivy by WorryLess is available now on iPhone and Android, with a 7-day free trial.